Logs and Bolds
by MissMcSpirk
Summary: My version of what happened between the time that Kirk was subconscious on the hospital bed after THE scene with McCoy, Spock and Kirk. Pre-slash, i it pleases you. Spoilers of Star Trek: Into Darkness and some TOS, but very, very little. My first Star Trek fic, so it might be a little OOC. Sorry. (DAMN IT SPOCK I AM A WRITER NOT A SCIENCE OFFICER!)


_"Doctor's log_

_ Ah. I don't even know what day it is. I've been seated in this room for too many time doing too many nothing. Damn it. I don't even know why I am doing my log…_

_ Anyway. It has been almost five days since Jim… Died. We still don't have any signal of him getting better or worse. I think I shouldn't be concerned by now. We knew it would take long. Yet I can't lie to myself saying that I didn't wish he had opened his eyes when we first injected the blood on his vain._

_ Damn it Jim! You are taking too long. Scotty is always on a bar drinking. I have no idea where Sulu or Chekov got themselves. Uhura keeps coming here everyday and always end up crying. She saw you dying you know. I am quite… Glad… That I didn't. I wouldn't have been wise. I would have opened the door. I would have killed everyone. And this… This would be useless._

_ Even though, Spock has been weird. Crazy even. He watched you. You know he did. He was beside you when I wasn't. I guess that makes him your real best friend, doesn't it? And who would guess that the green-blooded pointed-eared bastard would have feelings? He wanted to save you. He wanted to open the door. He almost did. But he last of logic didn't let him, I guess._

_ Yet, he is starting to worry me Jim._

_ Without you here, we are not taking any other missions. Me, Spock, Scotty and Uhura are staying around. Around you. Earth. Those people that you told me one night that didn't care about you, but, guess what? As soon as she knew you died, your mom came here. Talked for hours of how she was sorry. How she should have treated you better. Anyway. That doesn't matter anymore because she left when she found out that you were in did, alive. _

_ Spock and I have been here since you were put on this hospital bed. The other doctors and nurses tried to take us out for a walk, saying that you would be fine, be we can't Jim. We don't have that power anymore. To leave you. Because we couldn't help you before and now we are trying our best, but it isn't succeeding. I can't do anything more and either can he. But we keep trying. Searching. Learning. Studying. Reading. Talking. Thinking._

_ It isn't enough, and we both know that you wouldn't want us to e like this over you death. Trying all the ways possible to cheat it for you. But you thought us exactly that. There aren't no-winning scenarios. And we both took the lesson very seriously._

_ Spock keeps worrying me, though. I sleep. I haven't seen him sleep or meditate for days now. Sometimes, when he thinks I'm sleeping, he talks to you. To himself. Saying that he was sorry. That it should be him. That you shouldn't have done that alone. I almost hear him crying. But obviously he doesn't. He is not week. But he isn't so strong either. His half-human part is showing too much this last days. He doesn't even worry anymore about letting me see his disappointed face when he wakes up and you are still down. Or his sad face when he takes your hand in his and you don't squeeze back._

_ Please Jim. Please. Just wake up. I want you alive and, for the first time ever, I want Spock well. Logical. Cold. Because I can't handle his face anymore. He is too broken, just like I am. Just like you once were._

_ Wake up Jim. Please"_

Everything was dark for a moment. Jim looked around that darkness, but he couldn't bring himself to be scared. He wasn't. He was calm, in peace. He felt like floating. Everything was good. Nothing could harm him. He let a smile take place on his face while he gave the first step forward. Then, a light appeared, and his eyes narrowed so he could get used to it. He didn't feel fear. Pain. He felt safety. Kindness. Love.

He started walking to the light, slowly, but not hesitantly. He didn't knew where he was, but it was somewhere he could trust. Like his home. He breathed deeply, and grinned even more, walking to the light. It got bigger and bigger, until the time when he saw himself on his quarters. He frowned in confusion. His quarters? He looked around, and someone that reminded him too much about himself was sat on his bed. He got closer to him, sitting in the chair next to the guy. The guy smiled kindly to him. Jim smiled back.

"Hello Jim. I am James T. Kirk" the guy said, his voice calm and warm. Jim smiled to himself and nodded.

"Me too Captain. Me too" he said vaguely, his eyes tracing his older self's face-lines. Jim was a curious guy, so it didn't take long for him to ask "What are we doing here? I thought I was dead"

Jim didn't get his answer. The other Jim chuckled, and shook his head. "Your time hasn't come yet" he said, before Jim was once again pulled into the darkness.

** "Spock's log.**

** Star date: 4282.7.**

** Local: Captain's Kirk hospital quarters.**

** According to my calculations, there has been 13 days, 23 hours, 33 minutes and 56 seconds since Captain Kirk has been fatally compromised. I have been collecting the necessary information for a case of desperate fall down of the Captain's health. Until now all seems in complete order. Doctor McCoy and I have been in constant watch over the Captain, and I have realized that the doctor is not resting what is necessary for a good performance on a human being. As a Vulcan, I can stay well without resting for long periods of time, but I have been realizing that I might need a rest. All the time Tenant Uhura has come to the room, she has refereed for me to go and rest, and I have properly declined every single one of those times. My… Feelings… Don't let me think logically.**

** This days would have been extremely interesting if it wasn't the simple thought and vision of the Captain… Jim… Laid on the hospital bed, barely breathing, his pulse week and his body frozen. McCoy and I have been done researches but they do not seem to be getting anywhere close to our incognita. Why isn't Jim waking up? This last days I've been in fully watch over the Captain, even when doctor McCoy is resting, especially on those times. I haven't been able to meditate and that is making confusion on my mind that is hard to explain. My feelings are not being able to be controlled anymore. I know that the doctor has already noticed. I see how he looks at me sometimes. Worried. Pitiful. And I can't bring myself to care. I feel tired and weak, and there is no reason for lying. To anyone. I miss Jim. More than I miss my mother. More than I miss my planet. More than I miss being logical. More than I miss being Vulcan. My world now turns around one James Tiberius Kirk, and I do not know how that happened, and right now, I do not know why I don't need to know. As a Vulcan and a Human, I want answers to my questions. But this, this is something beyond both world's comprehension.**

** This is why, this night, I will mind meld with the Captain. That way, I might found out if he is okay. If he is better or worse or the same. But I fear that, if Jim founds out, he might not want to see me again. But I have to try. Keep holding on is stupid. Completely logical, and yet, stupid. I honestly hope he is alright."**

Now Jim was in the darkness again. But now it was all he had always had in mind. It wasn't calm. Peaceful. Safe. It was chaos. Pain. Fear. Death. Hurt. Everything was passing through his mind so slowly, so painfully. Tarsus IV. Imminent death. Hunger. Fear. His family. Sam. His dad. Frank. His mother. Pain. Hurt. Not caring. Leaving behind. An then Pike. His death. The only good thing in his life that had left and he was dead. By Khan's hands. He would avenge Pike. But he didn't. He wasn't strong enough. He failed once more. With his mother. With his dad. With his brother. With Pike. With his crew. With everyone over again. Because who he was? He was that lonely farm boy that would live an ordinary life with a wife and a lot of kids while watching the stars at night, because he couldn't reach them. Nero had killed his father. Khan had killed the only figure he had found to replace him. And when he get to his ship, the only last thing that matters, he wouldn't let her die. Not her. Not without a fight. So he runs. And runs faster than ever. He opens the door. He fixes the machine. He crawls back. It all hurts again. An for the first time since he entered the Starfleet, he feels he did something right. But once again, someone has to end that feeling. Because Spock is there. Looking helpless. Frightened. Lost. And there is glass between them and Jim can't do anything to help. And then, Bones is there. He looks like a lost puppy. Both of them look helplessly at Jim, lowering themselves and trying to connect with him in any way possible. By eyes. By talking. By touching the glass. But Jim knows it is useless. Anyway he reaches out for them. Because he was wrong. Pike wasn't the last person he would fight for. The Enterprise wasn't the last thing he would die for. No. He was very wrong. They were the real reason. Spock and Bones were the ones that made him kill himself so they could live. Bones lost everything, Spock lost everything, Jim wouldn't let him lose them.

And suddenly the pain stopped. He breathed calmly. Normally. He heard Pike's voice saying: "Didn't you feel like you were born for something better? Something especial?" and Jim knew. He had been born for something better. Something especial.

Jim opened his eyes slowly, the daylight being already too much for him to simply ignore it. He heard the rain outside, and heard the annoying sound of Bones' machines moving over him, examining. He stared at Bones, and Bones stared back. Their words were mean less to Jim. He couldn't be happier to see him. And then Spock was also there. It didn't exactly surprise Jim, but he was happy. His best friends were there, with him, when he woke up.

The three of them had a fast talk, before warning the others that Jim had come back and he was fine. Sulu, Chekov, Uhura and Scotty appeared on the time they called, but the others came around the afternoon, when they could, and Jim understood. But he couldn't bring himself to care. He wanted the chess games with Spock and the movie nights with McCoy and the drinking night with both and he wanted both just for him forever. They were one. He could feel. They completed each other. It was a bold impossible to be known by any kind of world. It was theirs. And they understood. Because it was meant for them and them only. And no one could break it.


End file.
